


I can't just eat or be like everyone else can

by CourtNicxVoltronxYJ



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Depressed Keith (Voltron), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Galra Keith (Voltron), Gen, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Implied/Referenced Past Child Abuse, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) Has Anxiety, Keith (Voltron) Whump, Keith (Voltron) is Lactose Intolerant, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith gets triggered, Keith has an eating disorder, Sad Keith (Voltron), Touch-Starved Keith (Voltron), foster kid Keith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24174763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CourtNicxVoltronxYJ/pseuds/CourtNicxVoltronxYJ
Summary: So Keith struggles with an eating disorder but he has been doing okay with it for the time being. He is also lactose intolerant, so eating has always been hard for him and some people just don't get it and make things way harder on him.
Relationships: Keith & Pidge | Katie Holt, Keith & Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 297





	I can't just eat or be like everyone else can

**Author's Note:**

> This is another vent fic for me. This just happened and I'm upset and I needed to put some of it somewhere and just a few days ago i slipped up and cut and I just really didn't want to do that again so here I am writing this.
> 
> *Sighs*
> 
> I went to go to have dinner with my family and surprise surprise once again it all is foods I can't eat and they know this. My mom's boyfriend yells at me, tells me to eat or to just starve.  
> I go looking in the kitchen for something because for the entire day, all I've had is a bowl of cereal this morning at 8 AM and it in now 9:30 PM.  
> So I'm hungry. I thought I could join my family in a meal and everything would be okay, how stupid of i to think that, it never goes well.
> 
> Anyways, I look for something and both my mom and her boyfriend are talking about me, about what I eat, how badly i eat, my weight, i'm fat, i should just eat something healthy like a banana, how I am a picky eater, that I should just eat the dinner even though I am lactose intolerant. Two of the dinner items had dairy on them and the other was meat-turkey, which i don't like, and they know this as well. 
> 
> So in the end, I simply grab a banana, eat it and head to my room and that's my dinner. A freaking banana because all my mind can tell me is how ugly and fat I am for eating and how I'm just a idiot and i should just shut up and eat the dairy even if it hurts me, makes me sick because it's what i'm supposed to do!

The day had been a very long and very slow day. Nothing truly exciting had happened and time seemed to just tick by slowly, not caring how anyone else felt about the day.

The others seemed to be enjoying themselves with many different things. Pidge working on a few different projects and typing some code upon their computer. Lance flirting with Allura, dancing around with Pidge's headphones on and then just being around and loud. Coran cleaning this thing or that thing over there with a smile on his face. Alluar was on the bridge or sitting in the lounge with the mice on her shoulders and lap as she watching something on a tablet. Hunk was at one point in The Yellow Lions hanger cleaning off the Yellow Lion after their last mission which was on a very muddy planet but now Hunk was busy in the kitchen whipping up something for dinner. Shiro had been on the training deck for a bit with Keith, then along with Allura on the bridge discussing things and then he went off on a walk throughout the castle.

Keith, well he trained. He sat and spoke to Red for awhile and then went to look for the others, that's how he knew what everyone was doing. He was feeling a little down, lonely and he didn't like that feeling. With him having mental health issues, depression, anxiety and an eating disorder, it just made so many things so much harder for him. Not to mention how he grew up as well. 

His dad died in a fire when he was 6 years old trying to save someone. He did but it costed Keith his father's life, leaving him all alone in a world that didn't want him. He was sent to an orphanage, to foster homes after foster homes to group homes and none of them were ever nice to him. Besides being left alone, he would be yelled at, hit. Wake up from nightmares screaming for help, only to be punished even more. He was taught that he was worthless, nothing, a freak and that no one ever loved or wanted him. So Keith shoved people far away before they could ever touch or reject him, because it was easier. If he let them in, it would only hurt more, hurt him and he was so tried of being hurt, so tried of caring when no one else did.

He became so distant, he was touch-starved and then depressed. Hated all life and was giving up hope. His anxiety of always being hit, being punished for anything and everything was always there.

If he spoke.  
If he was in the way.  
If he ate too much of something or not enough.  
If he possibly looked at someone the wrong way.  
If him just being there was bad.

Every little thing that he could and did felt like it was wrong to others and that he should be punished for it because that's what he was taught.

So with this trained behavior of thinking everything you did and were was wrong, that you were worthless and if you ate too much or weren't wanted to be seen at a certain time then you shouldn't have food for awhile. 

This lead to Keith developing an eating disorder.

The homes he was in would either refuse to feed him or no food for him as punishment at times. So he got used to eating small amounts to hardly nothing at all. And whenever he did get the chance to eat and it would have dairy in it, he would try to explain he couldn't have it, it hurts him, makes him sick. But he was made fun because of that, told he was lying, would even get hit and called names, which didn't help his mental health one bit.

So when Shiro came along many years later it was super hard to welcome him into his life, to trust him when he said that he cared about him and wouldn't hurt him because that's all everyone ever did to him whether they meant to or not, they just did.

But eventually, Shiro broke through Keith's walls and made it into his heart and into his life and it was for the best. Along with Shiro came a few new people, like Shiro's friend Matt but more importantly his little sister Pidge, who Keith bonded with greatly.

The next few years were great, wonderful. Keith had friends, he did have his struggles here and there with his depression, anxiety and his eating disorder but with Shiro and Pidge's help, he managed to get through some of the rough patches. He actually got items that were for people who were lactose intolerant and he wasn't upset or ashamed about having that either, it was just a piece of him.

But then things changed.

Shiro went to space. Disappeared. Died is what everyone said, along with Matt, Pidge's brother. So Keith had no one again. 

He got kicked out of school and disappeared out into the desert, to be all alone which is how he felt because that is what he truly was, all alone. The only true person to care about him ever besides his father was now gone forever and all hope was gone. 

His issues came crashing back down upon him. 

He would lay on the couch in the shack for days, not caring if he ever got up again, or ate or drank anything because what was the point. There wasn't ever going to be someone else to ever care and love him again. The words his foster families drilled into his head came screaming back at him now.

He was worthless.  
Unloveable.  
Unwanted.

The days blurred and things faded and he waited to the final end to come but it didn't.  
Things changed.

Everything was moving so quickly and it was all so good for awhile but now, now Keith was feeling down and he was looking for someone, anyone to connect with before his depression dragged him deep and under the darkness of it all.

He walked around the castle, searching for the others. He asked what they were doing, then asked if they needed help or wanted to do something with him but sadly Keith didn't get any answer he wanted.

\----------------------------------

*Knock Knock*

"Hey Pidge" said Keith as he stood in the doorway of their lab.

"Hi" they said, not even lifting up their head.

"Can I ask, what're you doing?" Keith asked them.

"Well, I'm working on this new project for Green, then Rover 2.0 over here and then some new coding" they said as they kept typing.

"Need any help or..." said Keith but before he could finish talking, Pidge laughed at him for asking if they needed help.

"Help? From you, no thanks, I'll pass, but if you see Hunk you can send him in, he would be some kind of help'' said Pidge as they kept working. 

"Okay, sure" Keith said as they turned away with a sad look upon their face.

Next stop was the bridge, where he saw Allura.

"Hey Princess" called out Keith. Allura glance up at him for a minute before she shuffled some papers around and then moved her hands at him, signaling that she wanted him out.

"Not now Keith, I'm very busy" Allura said.

"Oh. I'm...I'm sorry'' said Keith as he left her alone.

He soon found Coran as he was cleaning some kind of machine. A smile came upon his face, surely Coran wouldn't push him away and would allow Keith to stay as company.

"Coran, hey" said Keith with a wave.

"Oh number four, great to see you" said Coran and Keith brighten up at that. "I was just looking around for my cloth, have you seen it? Its been gone for many tics now and I haven't the slightest idea where it might be.''

Keith saw it stick out of his back pocket and pulled it out real quickly and handed it to Coran.

"Thank you my boy. Can I help you with something?" said Coran.

"Um...actually I umm... I was wondering-" Keith said but just then Coran's tablet beside him beeped and he jumped up.

"Oh I got to check this out. You don't mind do you?" said Coran and Keith shook his head 'no'. Because how could he say yes? How could he say, can you not go to whatever you want to go to and stay with me instead, how could Keith say that he mattered more when in this moment he felt like he didn't matter at all.  
Coran smiled, patted him on the back and skipped down the hallway.

Next stop he saw Lance in the lounge but he was singing and dancing and he just couldn't go in there and ruin that. He couldn't go in there and possibly bother him and make Lance angry and upset with him, then they would start fighting and Keith would just feel so much worst. 

He saw Shiro walking and he looked peaceful, so why mess that up as well? And there was no point in seeing Hunk, he was busy cooking and having fun. Keith didn't need to go in there and distract him, he could cause him to burn something or even himself. So with a sigh, Keith made it back to his room.

He laid on his bed for hours and eventually fell asleep until the late hours when dinner was ready.

He knew that he hadn't really ate that much today and that wasn't very good for him, especially with how his mood was going right now, so he forced himself up and headed to join the others. On the way there he thought, it might be nice to eat a meal with all of them since he has been feeling so distant from them all.

Once he got there and began looking at what food Hunk made, he noticed some were different then some of the usual stuff he makes, so he had to ask. Hunk went into detail about the food items, and some of the ones he said and pointed out to Keith were made with milk from Kaltenecker. That made Keith freeze.

He couldn't eat any of that.

He sat his plate to the side and looked around the room. 

The items for dinner had milk in them, he was lactose intolerant, he would become sick if he ate that. Only Shiro and Pidge knew of this and yet they didn't seem to be batting an eye at this problem Keith was having right now.  
The other food item was a meat like thing that Keith very much didn't like and Coran had once explain it saying it was because he was part Galra.

So looking at it all, there was nothing for dinner for Keith to eat.

Hunk seemed to noticed him not getting anything and had a sad look on his face.  
"You're not going to get anything?" he asked.

"I just..." Keith said, he wanted to explain, knew he needed to but also felt guilty and horrible for making Hunk feel bad. It wasn't Hunk's fault, it was his. "I'm lactose intolerant and-"

"So?" came Allura.

Keith's eyes went directly to her. 

"Lance explained it before when making those milk shakers'' she said.

"Milkshakes" said Lance.

"Allura it hurts him'' said Shiro.

"Eat or starve!" she shouted and gave him a glare which made him curl in on himself. 

He grabbed a bowl and went towards the food goo. The texture bothered him but at least it was something.

"You know, if you continue to consume that all the time, it won't keep you in fighting shape for a paladin" said Allura. 

And Keith froze with wide eyes.

Fat. Fat. Fat.  
You're fat, that's what she is saying. That's what she's telling you, you're fat. Don't eat! Fatty! 

"Eat something healthy and proper for a strong, fighting paladin of mine. Like that fruit over there'' she said and pointed at the blue and white fruit. 

It wasn't like Keith didn't dislike that fruit but now he just wasn't feeling hungry with his mind telling him he was so fat and disgusting, telling him not to eat. But this, this sounded like an order from the princess and Keith didn't want to make her angry with him. So many times he has made people angry with him about food and he wasn't going to doing it again or start here. So he grabbed the fruit, sat silently down at the table and began to eat it, not meeting anyone's eyes.

He could hear the sounds of the others voices but he couldn't understand what they were saying, all he was focused on was, eating the fruit and getting the hell out of there to make everyone else happy that he was gone.

Once the fruit was gone, Keith left silently and headed to his room. He locked the door and shut the lights off. He pressed his back against the door for a moment before his legs gave out and he crumpled to the floor, with tears streaming down his face. His shoulders began to tremble as sobs exited him. He pressed his fist in his mouth and bit down upon it, not caring about the pain or if he was drawing blood, he just had to muffle to sobs, so the others couldn't hear just how worthless he truly was.


End file.
